The Codependent Cheater

Do we really know anything about him?

Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash

Many references state that codependents are at higher risk for cheating. And that’s about all they say. I can’t say I’ve found a whole lot that addresses codependency and cheating specifically. So … this piece will be a bit off the cuff, with me pulling from what I do know and have found.

Why Is Your Codependent At Risk For Cheating?

Because codependents are highly likely to be chronically unhappy in their primary relationship.

Why? They do not possess the skills required to ensure their own happiness in the relationship.

Codependency arises in childhood, with parents who can’t or don’t notice the child’s feelings, and don’t respond with enough empathy to the child. A child may be ignored a lot by parents, left to his own devices too much, or be “parentified” by having to take care of Mom after she’s tied one on.

Or you get the child who gets a lot of rules and parental temper tantrums and strictness, but not a lot of warmth and love. This is the kind of parent who demands the child perform, and acts proud of the child and thinks that’s love.

Any child who grows up like this has learned that “love” means they have to walk very carefully around Mom and Dad, and they had better not count on being able to ask Mom and Dad for much. If they are good enough, perhaps Mom and Dad will notice their needs and respond to them, but if and only if they are good enough, and they certainly had better not cry and wail and make a fuss. Yet we all know that in a healthy family, the children, especially very young children, will cry and wail and make a fuss, and the parent bends down to see what’s wrong and tries to comfort the child.

When this kid grows up? They are trained that their needs matter little to the people who are supposed to love them, and that if they didn’t have any needs maybe Mom would be happier. They grow up feeling different from other people, as if something is deeply wrong with them, and that they will be lucky to find anyone to marry and bring up a family with at all.

So these folks tend to end up with brutal uncaring people like their parents, or at the very least, they hit adulthood with the belief that a “relationship” means they will find out what their beloved wants and do the limbo whilst holding it up on a silver platter, and if the other person loves them, they will magically intuit their needs and fill them without them having to say a word. (They have to! Because all their life the codependent had it demonstrated to them in no uncertain terms that it was not ok to ask for anything, and that the fewer needs they had, the more “lovable” they were!)

Such a person doesn’t come into a marriage with the necessary skills to be happy. I know that sounds weird, but consider that even the sweetest, most considerate spouse doesn’t have ESP. Even me, personally! (As a student astrologer, I can read someone’s chart and determine that something in our relationship may be bothering them, but I will never know what that is unless and until they tell me.)

And codependents have learned the hard way that to be honest, to ask for things, is to court harsh treatment and rejection. Some of these people have been treated this way for so long they’ve lost touch with their real needs and feelings. That’s when you start hearing things like, “I don’t know, everyone around me is happy, but I’m not. I should be happy, everyone else is! What’s wrong with me?”

These folks are depressed and have no clue why.

It may take people like this years, even decades, to realize they don’t like something they’ve been doing for the benefit of others. Then, when they take the risk of sharing more authentically what it is they’ve discovered about themselves, they’re met with scorn, because this is when the spouse and the fam start to tell them that they’ve “really changed.” (“And not in a good way!” is strongly implied.)

These people have also had the experience of doing and doing for others, but no one doing for them. Even if they complain, it’s taken as “nagging” and they get ignored. There are skills for how to ask for what you want and how to effect change in a marriage, and codependents don’t know ‘em.

So codependents are more likely than other people to sit in a marriage where their needs aren’t met, to clam up instead of getting more vocal when they’re unhappy (saying things like, “What’s the use?” and, “It’s not worth the fight!”), and to feel ignored and taken advantage of.

Wow, what a setup for getting totally swept off their feet when someone else shows them attention! The codependent has probably sat there for ages, making up a fantasy of how they wish their spouse would act, and all the behaviors they would want to receive.

Now … someone’s doing all those things! It’s just not their spouse.

The codependent is even more ill-prepared to handle the drama of an affair than most of us are (as if anyone really is.) For one thing, the codependent who falls into one is most likely looking to have needs met that aren’t being met in the marriage. BUT: The codependent has been trained and trained and taught and taught that he isn’t supposed to have needs. He is only supposed to take care of the needs of other people and act happy while doing it.

The codependent isn’t skilled in the care and handling of feelings. So all the guilt and drama and pushmepullyou of having an affair causes even more self-hatred and upset to the codependent than it would cause anyone else, and they are less likely to be able to handle any of it. Less likely to be able to stand up to any criticism, less likely to be able to validate their own feelings about how the marriage really is (or the affair, for that matter), less likely to be able to handle the stress in any way other than flying off the handle.

So, not only is the codependent more likely to end up in an affair, he’s also less likely to be able to resolve the situation satisfactorily.

It’s bad enough to find yourself in an affair with anyone, but if you ask and discover the person you’re with has a history of a childhood with dismissing, neglectful, overly authoritarian, or “helpless” parents, know that there’s little chance of resolution without a ton more drama than you would ever want. And even then, he’s likely to end up back with his spouse out of guilt, no matter what he says. Unless she has enough and throws him out. That’s the only way you will get this person … yes, along with the same problems he brought to his marriage.

Refer that person to a therapist, and quietly tiptoe out.