First, as this is the first time I engage, thank you for this blog. I’ve loved reading about your perspectives, your experiences, your learnings. It’s been insightful. I generally resonate with most of what you share.
As a man who developed strong feelings for another woman, a form of emotional cheating (not physical), divorced for a few days, then got back with his wife, I’d like to offer a perspective. Especially on that very last bit.
Mind you, I understand and feel a lot of compassion for you. In my situation, there are a lot of differences with your lived experience. But as you framed it as a more general life lesson, I felt it could be useful.
For me, there was/is real love involved. Real attachment.
To the other woman
To my wife of many years
Then, you add kids and finances to the mix
Loving a new person didn’t mean I stopped loving my wife
On the contrary, she decided to grow, as a result of the situation, and my love for her was rekindled as a result
And, she needs exclusivity. I can’t be with her if there’s someone else.
So I was faced with a very painful choice
And there’s been real pain
Real tears, from everyone involved
Understanding, and forgiveness, too
As I’ve done the best I could to make amends with the both of them
This is usually the way it goes. About half of marriages with an affair, I think, grow and put themselves back together into better marriages. Nobody wants to get divorced. Nobody.
I write about others' experiences too, because I have run a pub on infidelity on Medium for some five years and have heard a LOT of stories.
I could see the fear of divorce thing, especially if the man is the primary breadwinner and there are kids involved. You can be a top 1% earner and still end up in a van down by the river if a judge sees fit to do that to you. It's enough to make any man see visions of putting a gun to his temple. It's the ultimate trap.
My wife makes twice as much as I do and I don't fear divorce *nearly* as much as most men do, mainly because there is no way I can't make a go of it if we break up. I'll never have to pay child support or alimony, if anything my wife would, though I wouldn't make her do that unless she cheated or was otherwise malicious.
I still have a hard time understanding the cheating thing though - maintaining one relationship is exhausting enough, how do they even find the time and energy to woo and wine and dine *another woman*? Are they that wealthy in time and money that they can just carry out a whole other relationship without anybody noticing? How privileged are these people?
Wow. I’ve never read the other woman perspective. As a guy who never cheated, I don’t understand the cheating husband either. I know what he’s doing, but it’s so obviously wrong, I don’t know why he lets himself step on that landmine.) 🙄
He does it because he is absolutely terrified, absolutely TERRIFIED, of divorce. And he either can't get his wife to agree to marriage counseling, can't afford it, or is afraid of it himself. And he doesn't know how to address the marriage problems alone.
Or he's never heard of it, or distrusts "shrinks."
Funny enough, my marriage went through a rough patch a few years ago. We went to marital counseling, but she only attended the first few sessions. I went through the rest of them myself and applied it at home. We fixed our marriage, and it mostly worked just because both of us are emotionally mature. A very important quality in a spouse. We are doing great now, but if she had been emotionally immature, selfish, and let the marriage become more broken, I suppose I could see where some men choose to cheat rather than divorce. I think I would just bite the bullet and divorce.
I think some men do it though because they know they can and there will be zero consequences from the wife. He love bombed in the begining and future faked throughout like I’ve never felt. He was skilled. He was getting validation , excitement amd great sex from me for years. He told me his marriage was over before me, he didn’t love her , they didn’t have sex, he would leave her and soon as I could find somewhere for us to live together. Yes, ME. But I was his best friend and the love of his life so I agreed because I loved him too. It was all lies. He left me in a matter of minutes and never spoke to me again. I know I was the other woman. I know I should have known better. What I felt for him was real though. He was an actor and a skilled liar. His wife looked the other way and will continue to. God help the next woman he uses.
Most of these people aren't willfully using women ... they just end up doing that over the years and years they wring their hands and can't make up their minds.
Then again, there's the asshole who's out for what he can get.
Sorry this happened to you. I'm SO glad I didn't sleep with mine. It was bad enough as it was.
First, as this is the first time I engage, thank you for this blog. I’ve loved reading about your perspectives, your experiences, your learnings. It’s been insightful. I generally resonate with most of what you share.
As a man who developed strong feelings for another woman, a form of emotional cheating (not physical), divorced for a few days, then got back with his wife, I’d like to offer a perspective. Especially on that very last bit.
Mind you, I understand and feel a lot of compassion for you. In my situation, there are a lot of differences with your lived experience. But as you framed it as a more general life lesson, I felt it could be useful.
For me, there was/is real love involved. Real attachment.
To the other woman
To my wife of many years
Then, you add kids and finances to the mix
Loving a new person didn’t mean I stopped loving my wife
On the contrary, she decided to grow, as a result of the situation, and my love for her was rekindled as a result
And, she needs exclusivity. I can’t be with her if there’s someone else.
So I was faced with a very painful choice
And there’s been real pain
Real tears, from everyone involved
Understanding, and forgiveness, too
As I’ve done the best I could to make amends with the both of them
Because I really cared
This is usually the way it goes. About half of marriages with an affair, I think, grow and put themselves back together into better marriages. Nobody wants to get divorced. Nobody.
I write about others' experiences too, because I have run a pub on infidelity on Medium for some five years and have heard a LOT of stories.
Thanks for writing!!
I could see the fear of divorce thing, especially if the man is the primary breadwinner and there are kids involved. You can be a top 1% earner and still end up in a van down by the river if a judge sees fit to do that to you. It's enough to make any man see visions of putting a gun to his temple. It's the ultimate trap.
My wife makes twice as much as I do and I don't fear divorce *nearly* as much as most men do, mainly because there is no way I can't make a go of it if we break up. I'll never have to pay child support or alimony, if anything my wife would, though I wouldn't make her do that unless she cheated or was otherwise malicious.
I still have a hard time understanding the cheating thing though - maintaining one relationship is exhausting enough, how do they even find the time and energy to woo and wine and dine *another woman*? Are they that wealthy in time and money that they can just carry out a whole other relationship without anybody noticing? How privileged are these people?
Some of us actually have to work
They start finding that out AFTER the affair has been going on a while.
Wow. I’ve never read the other woman perspective. As a guy who never cheated, I don’t understand the cheating husband either. I know what he’s doing, but it’s so obviously wrong, I don’t know why he lets himself step on that landmine.) 🙄
He does it because he is absolutely terrified, absolutely TERRIFIED, of divorce. And he either can't get his wife to agree to marriage counseling, can't afford it, or is afraid of it himself. And he doesn't know how to address the marriage problems alone.
Or he's never heard of it, or distrusts "shrinks."
Funny enough, my marriage went through a rough patch a few years ago. We went to marital counseling, but she only attended the first few sessions. I went through the rest of them myself and applied it at home. We fixed our marriage, and it mostly worked just because both of us are emotionally mature. A very important quality in a spouse. We are doing great now, but if she had been emotionally immature, selfish, and let the marriage become more broken, I suppose I could see where some men choose to cheat rather than divorce. I think I would just bite the bullet and divorce.
And that's why the affair partner bites.
THEY ALL SAY THAT.
I think some men do it though because they know they can and there will be zero consequences from the wife. He love bombed in the begining and future faked throughout like I’ve never felt. He was skilled. He was getting validation , excitement amd great sex from me for years. He told me his marriage was over before me, he didn’t love her , they didn’t have sex, he would leave her and soon as I could find somewhere for us to live together. Yes, ME. But I was his best friend and the love of his life so I agreed because I loved him too. It was all lies. He left me in a matter of minutes and never spoke to me again. I know I was the other woman. I know I should have known better. What I felt for him was real though. He was an actor and a skilled liar. His wife looked the other way and will continue to. God help the next woman he uses.
Most of these people aren't willfully using women ... they just end up doing that over the years and years they wring their hands and can't make up their minds.
Then again, there's the asshole who's out for what he can get.
Sorry this happened to you. I'm SO glad I didn't sleep with mine. It was bad enough as it was.