"How Can She DO That?"
What every betrayed wife wonders about the mistress.
Let me share with you the SAD truth:
Even when we mistresses know the full situation—he’s married, with children—we still can’t let go.
That’s because, with the exception of a few narcissists, psychopaths, or women with extreme BPD, most of us are sad, lonely, needy little girls inside. We weren’t loved enough in childhood, we grew up feeling not-good-enough, and then we had prior relationships that told us this over and over again.
When we get to your husband, we don’t trust men anymore. We don’t trust the dating market. We don’t trust ourselves. Some of us have been struggling alone in a world of financial threat for so long, we look at you, secure in a comforting home, with children and a man who appears to be the model helpmate, and we can’t understand why or how you did whatever you did on your end to let the marriage go dead. (Usually we figure out what he did on his end soon enough.)
We build the fantasy: “If I got one quarter of the help and support in my life that woman gets, I’d NEVER treat a guy like this like that!”
We do not understand the married man. Nobody tells us that 69% of all divorces are filed by women. That means the man almost NEVER files for divorce. It also means that marriages mostly end when the WOMAN, not the man, is comfortable with the marriage ending.
We do not hear the positive aspects of his feeling for his family. Instead we are the dumping outlet. Everything negative he’s been thinking about you for the past X years since the honeymoon stage comes out when we’re around.
Naturally, we expect some degree of alignment and common sense. If someone really were that unhappy, and we show up and do everything to treat him better than he says you are, surely anyone in their right mind would finally decide to leave. Especially when they’ve been saying they will for (in my case) the last SEVENTEEN YEARS we knew them.
We have no idea how controlled these men are by public opinion. Often the deciding factor is What Others Will Say and How They Will Look To Everyone Else. We have no clue how controlled men are by this.
And we have no clue how important the children are. Even when they’ve been grown and gone for years, that child may have been the substitute for emotional closeness he was supposed to have with his wife. If the child/ren threaten never to speak to him again, he’s staying.
We mistresses do not know that.
Instead we go on and on, investing more and more as he invests less. He becomes Our One Right Person and our lives revolve around him. The very thought of going back on dating apps breaks our hearts. We can’t imagine being with anyone else. We do not understand that one human being, who seems to be so successful and mature in EVERY other aspect of his life, can waffle and waffle endlessly for decades if we let him. Surely this cannot be true!! But it is.
We do not understand how front and center sex is to these men. Sex, sex, sex, sex. The Almighty Sex Act.
And so it goes on and on until something finally breaks our heart. We watch as there’s never any way to take trips with us, but the two of you have beautiful photos from your vacation. Then he comes back and we don’t hear from him.
We listen as the supposedly sick wife will never do this or that. Then--you find the energy, and off you go, and he’s there with you and we’re home alone. We watch as he’s home with the family when you’re sick, yet we’ve got covid and we’re home alone.
Finally something gets through to us: We’re just being used. He does not love us or want us. The mistress is just an extra sexual outlet who props up your marriage.
And then, two years later, five years later, ten years later, we’re finally done being used. Finally we have the strength to break it off. And there we are, ten years older, ten years fatter, ten years sadder, to start all over again.
First, as this is the first time I engage, thank you for this blog. I’ve loved reading about your perspectives, your experiences, your learnings. It’s been insightful. I generally resonate with most of what you share.
As a man who developed strong feelings for another woman, a form of emotional cheating (not physical), divorced for a few days, then got back with his wife, I’d like to offer a perspective. Especially on that very last bit.
Mind you, I understand and feel a lot of compassion for you. In my situation, there are a lot of differences with your lived experience. But as you framed it as a more general life lesson, I felt it could be useful.
For me, there was/is real love involved. Real attachment.
To the other woman
To my wife of many years
Then, you add kids and finances to the mix
Loving a new person didn’t mean I stopped loving my wife
On the contrary, she decided to grow, as a result of the situation, and my love for her was rekindled as a result
And, she needs exclusivity. I can’t be with her if there’s someone else.
So I was faced with a very painful choice
And there’s been real pain
Real tears, from everyone involved
Understanding, and forgiveness, too
As I’ve done the best I could to make amends with the both of them
Because I really cared
I could see the fear of divorce thing, especially if the man is the primary breadwinner and there are kids involved. You can be a top 1% earner and still end up in a van down by the river if a judge sees fit to do that to you. It's enough to make any man see visions of putting a gun to his temple. It's the ultimate trap.
My wife makes twice as much as I do and I don't fear divorce *nearly* as much as most men do, mainly because there is no way I can't make a go of it if we break up. I'll never have to pay child support or alimony, if anything my wife would, though I wouldn't make her do that unless she cheated or was otherwise malicious.
I still have a hard time understanding the cheating thing though - maintaining one relationship is exhausting enough, how do they even find the time and energy to woo and wine and dine *another woman*? Are they that wealthy in time and money that they can just carry out a whole other relationship without anybody noticing? How privileged are these people?
Some of us actually have to work