When the Mistress Rolls Out the Red Carpet
A fast track to things going all to $%^%
Apologies for the above photo. For those swooping in to castigate, as per usual, the single or perhaps attached woman in love with a married man, you can save the rest of us your unkind and, um, somewhat judgmental remarks.
I have already included, after all, the image of a bitch.
Relationship coach Marie Murphy has addressed the plight of the “other woman,” or man, as the case may be, who, concerned that he or she may be about to lose the married person they unfortunately fell in love with, reacts by attempting to do that person’s thinking and planning for them. Or at the very least, nags and nags that person to finally do what they’ve said they wanted to do for years: Divorce and move on.
Interestingly enough, one of Murphy’s points sounds very similar to the hidden reason many people want to ply fat folk with their own weight loss and diet advice: It feels so much better to enjoy a superiority to other people you believe you have answers for than it does to confront areas of difficulty in your own life.
And, somewhere in the back of your mind, you anticipate being thanked, not to mention acknowledged as The Reason Someone’s Life Changed. (Perhaps you need that to make up for your own lacking sense of value.)
It also feels a whole lot easier to assume the areas of difficulty in your own life would be quickly scotched if this person would only decide to leave their life for yours. (No judgment. Been there, done that myself.)
But what I’ve noticed more often than this thinking-and-managing-for-the-affair-partner paradigm is this:
Rather than becoming bossy and attempting to direct their affair partner’s life, what many more people, especially mistresses, do is this stance I call Rolling Out The Red Carpet.
It’s so easy to do. Why did we get involved with our affair partner in the first place? Because we thought so very, very well of them, and they in some way let us know they were unhappy.
Researcher John Gottman lets us know that, in the breakdown and progression of marriage toward an affair, the straying partner falls into a phase where their devaluation of the person they’re married to is uppermost in their minds. During this phase, all they’re in contact with is how disappointed they are, how angry and cut off and put upon they feel, and all the ways their spouse has fallen short in their marriage.
You, the affair partner, will hear all that.
So, of course, you’re going to roll out the red carpet! You feel so sorry for the guy. This is a wonderful person. If you had such a person in your life, you’d never behave this way!
So, of course, you’re going to prove that and keep on proving that. Whether it’s providing every iota of emotional support the person seems to need, exceptional sex, or whatever you think the person is looking for, your ass is going above and beyond.
He’s wanted to leave her for years, right? With all the things he’s said are wrong with that marriage, surely, surely, when presented with a better alternative, he’s going to leave … right?
Isn’t that what anyone with common sense would do? Anyone with common sense who’s painted the picture he’s painted?
So, so many mistresses fall into this trap. He shows us this side of his feelings and only this side of his feelings … so what we do appears to make sense.
And then we expect him to make sense as well.
This is where the bottom falls out.
We preen, we prink, we bring out our best sex moves, we’re there for his every need. We want to support him.
And then … and then …
And then …
Lo and behold! The Foot Dragging Begins.
Look out, mistress. That one breakup conversation with the spouse becomes … let us just say, one of many.
Oh, woe, this is just so hard! The wife and family are just so upset.
He can’t handle how upset they are. He just needs more time.
He wants not only to leave, but for everyone to feel okay about his leaving. If they’re not (and of course they’re not!), he hangs back … and hangs back … and hangs back. He’s trying to manage everyone else’s upset feelings.
His own are suddenly quite in the dust.
He may become torn and boomerang back and forth between women and households for an interminable length of time.
He may stay and dither, and make promises. As soon as, as soon as.
Worst are the cases (and I’ve seen more than one on here) where the guy actually makes it out of the home and stays for about a week.
Then, something happens, and he goes right back home again and that’s it. You’re over.
Sometimes the guy is up front about it. He just can’t part from his family, and that means he has to give you up. Sorry, mistress. He’s gone.
Sometimes the issue arises from the murky depths of the subconscious. If the wife, a child, or someone in the family doesn’t have a health crisis, thereby “forcing” him back home to help out, he has one himself. Instead of relying on you to help him through, even though you just rolled out that beautiful red carpet … Mehhhh, it’s really better for him if he goes home.
Just for a while. Then he will leave.
This is when it becomes painfully clear once and for all that home is not with you. It never will be.
And everyone wants to be home. Right?
No matter how painful the marriage is, how much the spouse has fallen short, and how plush, how long, how wide a red carpet you roll out … this guy is staying in his marriage.
It just took actually facing moving out to show him that.
Ladies, this is a very … very … depressingly common scenario.
It constitutes the main reason you don’t want to get involved with anybody married in the first place.
Statistically speaking? Only about 5% of straying spouses create a stable home with their affair partners.
Where do you think the majority of them end up?
The problem is that most straying spouses actually have mixed feelings about their homes and marriages.
You don’t see the other half of his feelings while you’re dating him because he’s not in contact with them.
But once he gets serious about moving out, he will be.
Most straying spouses do not survive that phase, especially when the spouse discovers the affair. Most straying spouses aren’t prepared for the sheer level of emotional devastation (also known as betrayal trauma) they are about to witness, and they also have driven their own deep attachment to their home, their children, and their way of life deep underground because they are so (and in some cases, legitimately) deeply angry at their spouse.
But once it comes time to announce they’re leaving and to take steps to actually move out, all this — the betrayal trauma and the deeply buried attachment to home, routine, family, and the good will of others — hits them like a tsunami.
Unless the person has already dealt with all this and is ready for it … the affair relationship is unlikely to survive.
And of course, they haven’t dealt with it. They haven’t even been able to picture it. They’ve been putting this off.
They haven’t wanted to face it or even think seriously about it. They haven’t wanted to picture what it will be like to actually pack their things and walk past their family on their way out the door.
Which is why they’ve likely been stringing you along with excuses for a while now.
There’s only one remedy for this sad phenomenon.
Never Roll Out The Red Carpet For A Married Person
It just gets you more and more invested in something that’s going to evaporate the living instant they attempt to walk out the door.
It’s much better to be prepared for The Rolling Red Carpet Death.
The best way to do that is:
When the guy talks about divorcing and moving out: Pay it the no-nevermind and just go on with your life.
Assume he will never leave and make plans accordingly. The sooner in the relationship you do this, the better it will be for you.
It’ll make your life a lot less disappointing.