Almost every long marriage will involve periods of deep dissatisfaction, worry and/or frustration. You have to give up a lot to stay married. Both partners share the responsibility for the state of their relationship.
This, however, has nothing to do with infidelity. Being frustrated, angry, hurt or feeling uncared for, even if common, are tough feelings to manage much less address, particularly with your partner. There are many tools and options for this however for those who want to fix their marriage.
Cheating is not such a tool or option. It is a decision to unilaterally and secretly end your prior relationship and to reject responsibility for that relationship. The partner who strays is not looking to fix that old relationship and indeed expects that they will never have to admit their infidelity. They never plan on being accountable.
But, say the pundits, the faithful partner, upon discovering the affair, must accept responsibility, must admit their part. Having blown up the marriage and family, the cheating partner now says “look at what you made me do” as though problems in the home induced them to have hot sex on a business trip or seduce a neighbor.
However much the faithful partner is responsible for the relationship, they are not accountable for their partner’s infidelity. Nothing about an unhappy marriage mandates an affair any more than a happy marriage is a guarantee of fidelity. It’s all about choices. You chose the partner and chose the relationship. If you chose to abandon your partner, it was actually your choice.
A lot of people have no way of thinking clearly about this, AT ALL.
I've heard from a lot of cheaters. It's nice that you can be this clear about it, but many of them cannot. At least, those who care about their families.
Then you have the narcissists who think they are just "owed" what and whoever they want.
Cheating is always a choice. Regardless of any reasons or excuses, it is your choice. Sex is not “accidental”.You can repair your marriage or leave for another. But always a choice…
Well, everything's a choice. Everything you do in marriage COULD be considered a "choice." Including everything you do that makes your mate feel alone in the marriage, long before anyone cheats.
However, most of those "choices" are made with little to no good information, including the original choice of that mate in the first place. Unless we've done a TON of work in therapy and reading, all the information we have comes from childhood. If you did not receive healthy love in childhood and all you saw in childhood was a bad template for relationships, you weren't making good choices from the beginning. You were a wounded person who chose a wounded person, yet we all expect perfection from them and excuse ourselves. When they weren't coming from any healthier backgrounds, emotions, or information than we did.
The sickest people from the sickest families all choose each other and then wonder why people cheat. Actually, we demand that the cheater know best and do all the right things, when we don't know best and we can't do the right things either.
But it's so much easier to just put it all on the person who cheated and make them the heinous villain.
Humans make choices daily....all of us do...based on our own experiences, good and bad. Some choices are due to poor information and/or bad prior life experiences, for example, abuse of any kind. But most adult humans know that cheating is not helpful to a relationship/marriage. Bc this one action is repeatedly discussed in our patriarchical society. I seriously doubt there is any adult person who does not know what cheating is and that it is usually more harmful than helpful to most relationships. I stand by my comment that cheating is always a choice....I never said or supported the idea that it is worse in men than women. It is not...it is that our patriarchical society allows men more "forgiveness" and "understanding" than women.
All three people bear responsibility is such a necessary truth to name. In an affair, there is the person who was betrayed, the person who chose to cheat, and the person who chose to become the other woman or man. Each one makes choices, and each choice carries weight. I appreciate how you wrote this with honesty and without trying to soft-focus the complexity. Blame is easier than accountability, but accountability is where healing begins. This felt like permission to stop simplifying the story and to finally see everyone in it, including myself, with clear eyes. Your words remind me that truth is not about convenience. It is about integrity.
Asking a person suffering betrayal trauma to take on responsibility for their cheating partners choices compounds the trauma.
All marriages have rough periods. Cheating is a choice. If a spouse feels they cannot get through the rough period, they should leave the marriage, not cheat. I disagree that the choice not to leave is driven by caring too much about other people's feelings. More often I believe it is about how the partner leaving will look to themselves, their partner, their kids, and their friends/colleagues. They do not want the embarrassment or the shame of being the one who walked away.
Now I do agree that should a couple choose to try to reconcile after cheating, both partners have to take responsibility for healing themselves and rebuilding their relationship. That cannot all fall on the straying partner, or it will fail.
There is no excuse for cheating. There is no excuse for engaging with a married person as an affair partner. These are decisions that will inevitably, always, lead to harm, usually for everyone involved. If a person is in an unhappy marriage, it is their responsibility to sort out that relationship before engaging in another one.
We can say all day long, "People cheat because of THIS! People cheat because of THAT!" And, of course, WE must be right, and what WE think MUST cover ALL cases, because WE think it. Right?
WRONG. Any explanation you can think of for cheating applies to one subset of people. You can find another subset of people it's not true for.
Almost every long marriage will involve periods of deep dissatisfaction, worry and/or frustration. You have to give up a lot to stay married. Both partners share the responsibility for the state of their relationship.
This, however, has nothing to do with infidelity. Being frustrated, angry, hurt or feeling uncared for, even if common, are tough feelings to manage much less address, particularly with your partner. There are many tools and options for this however for those who want to fix their marriage.
Cheating is not such a tool or option. It is a decision to unilaterally and secretly end your prior relationship and to reject responsibility for that relationship. The partner who strays is not looking to fix that old relationship and indeed expects that they will never have to admit their infidelity. They never plan on being accountable.
But, say the pundits, the faithful partner, upon discovering the affair, must accept responsibility, must admit their part. Having blown up the marriage and family, the cheating partner now says “look at what you made me do” as though problems in the home induced them to have hot sex on a business trip or seduce a neighbor.
However much the faithful partner is responsible for the relationship, they are not accountable for their partner’s infidelity. Nothing about an unhappy marriage mandates an affair any more than a happy marriage is a guarantee of fidelity. It’s all about choices. You chose the partner and chose the relationship. If you chose to abandon your partner, it was actually your choice.
Of interest:
https://www.drpsychmom.com/all-about-recovery-after-infidelity/
And any therapist will tell you, emotional or neglect in a marriage makes people vulnerable to an affair. Simple fact of life.
A lot of people have no way of thinking clearly about this, AT ALL.
I've heard from a lot of cheaters. It's nice that you can be this clear about it, but many of them cannot. At least, those who care about their families.
Then you have the narcissists who think they are just "owed" what and whoever they want.
Cheating is always a choice. Regardless of any reasons or excuses, it is your choice. Sex is not “accidental”.You can repair your marriage or leave for another. But always a choice…
Well, everything's a choice. Everything you do in marriage COULD be considered a "choice." Including everything you do that makes your mate feel alone in the marriage, long before anyone cheats.
However, most of those "choices" are made with little to no good information, including the original choice of that mate in the first place. Unless we've done a TON of work in therapy and reading, all the information we have comes from childhood. If you did not receive healthy love in childhood and all you saw in childhood was a bad template for relationships, you weren't making good choices from the beginning. You were a wounded person who chose a wounded person, yet we all expect perfection from them and excuse ourselves. When they weren't coming from any healthier backgrounds, emotions, or information than we did.
The sickest people from the sickest families all choose each other and then wonder why people cheat. Actually, we demand that the cheater know best and do all the right things, when we don't know best and we can't do the right things either.
But it's so much easier to just put it all on the person who cheated and make them the heinous villain.
Humans make choices daily....all of us do...based on our own experiences, good and bad. Some choices are due to poor information and/or bad prior life experiences, for example, abuse of any kind. But most adult humans know that cheating is not helpful to a relationship/marriage. Bc this one action is repeatedly discussed in our patriarchical society. I seriously doubt there is any adult person who does not know what cheating is and that it is usually more harmful than helpful to most relationships. I stand by my comment that cheating is always a choice....I never said or supported the idea that it is worse in men than women. It is not...it is that our patriarchical society allows men more "forgiveness" and "understanding" than women.
Yeah. This *one thing* is supposed to be treated differently than everything else.
Spot on.
All three people bear responsibility is such a necessary truth to name. In an affair, there is the person who was betrayed, the person who chose to cheat, and the person who chose to become the other woman or man. Each one makes choices, and each choice carries weight. I appreciate how you wrote this with honesty and without trying to soft-focus the complexity. Blame is easier than accountability, but accountability is where healing begins. This felt like permission to stop simplifying the story and to finally see everyone in it, including myself, with clear eyes. Your words remind me that truth is not about convenience. It is about integrity.
THANK YOU. Most people want to pelt me with rotten eggs for it, especially the cheated-ons.
Ignore those people. These situations are never black or white and no one knows what it takes and the pain involved until you experience it yourself.
Asking a person suffering betrayal trauma to take on responsibility for their cheating partners choices compounds the trauma.
All marriages have rough periods. Cheating is a choice. If a spouse feels they cannot get through the rough period, they should leave the marriage, not cheat. I disagree that the choice not to leave is driven by caring too much about other people's feelings. More often I believe it is about how the partner leaving will look to themselves, their partner, their kids, and their friends/colleagues. They do not want the embarrassment or the shame of being the one who walked away.
Now I do agree that should a couple choose to try to reconcile after cheating, both partners have to take responsibility for healing themselves and rebuilding their relationship. That cannot all fall on the straying partner, or it will fail.
There is no excuse for cheating. There is no excuse for engaging with a married person as an affair partner. These are decisions that will inevitably, always, lead to harm, usually for everyone involved. If a person is in an unhappy marriage, it is their responsibility to sort out that relationship before engaging in another one.
We can say all day long, "People cheat because of THIS! People cheat because of THAT!" And, of course, WE must be right, and what WE think MUST cover ALL cases, because WE think it. Right?
WRONG. Any explanation you can think of for cheating applies to one subset of people. You can find another subset of people it's not true for.
Hi, let’s connect! https://incapacity.substack.com/p/once-a-cheater-always-a-cheater?utm_campaign=post-expanded-share&utm_medium=web